LOCKED OUT

You're like a good book

that I want to read,

But you've got this lock

around your edges

and you won't unfold

so I can experience

the essence of you.

PATIENCE

Oh Asha,

be patient.

Grasp a hold of patience

as you write this letter

to yourself.

Let go Asha,

please let go.

You're hurting me

holding on so tight,

trying to take it all

under your own control.

You're not strong enough

to do this on your own,

and all you're doing

is breaking me down.

Your nails,

biting into your hands,

in this death grip,

deeming them useless

because you won't

Let go.

Exhale

EVERYTHING

in a cathartic sigh

or even scream.

Step back

and leave everything

you carried

in the place you

stepped away from.

Patience,

grab a hold of patience.

CHANGE

There's something new, 

something different going on here. 

And it's confusing, 

yet  I'm compelled to 

let myself experience it. 

What's this? 

You're proving me wrong. 

Finally, after all this time 

waiting, 

nearly hopeless, 

fearing I was right 

and nothing would ever change. 

I've tasted something new on my tongue, 

now the taste 

of stale crackers 

will no longer do. 

The lines of this picture are appearing, 

I can't wait until it's full of color 

and able to tell a beautiful story. 

You don't know 

what you've done 

by changing this dynamic 

and delivering me from madness. 

Now please, 

don't let me down. 

I wonder, 

is it like putting a noose 

around your neck? 

Being the one 

to make the difference? 

You cannot falter in your step,

for if you fall, 

you will hang. 

Well, I can help. 

I promise to try my hardest 

to not be the one 

to grace you with such a noose. 

On a pedestal, 

you shall not stand. 

For after all, 

we are both equally imperfect. 

Is that not true?

I feel like the noose

is around my neck instead.

By changing everything,

you've set up my hopes up higher.

The fall will be longer,
the impact harder.

The damage done

will be far greater

than ever before

when my hope

crashes into the ground

again.

My Heart on Paper: Chapters of a Necessary Adventure

The following 49 works (posted after the posts on Dec. 5th) are from a collection of works called

"My Heart on Paper: Chapters of a Necessary Adventure"

written in between November of 2008 and December of  2009.

THE WAY I LOVE YOU NOW

I love you like the sun loves the sky

and like the moon loves the stars.

I love you like the grass loves the rain.

I love you like I'll never get the chance again...

to love you.

LIFE and VIDEO GAMES

Life is like a video game.

You have many levels you must conquer first of all.You have challengers in each level that must be overcome in order to get to the next level up.

How boring would a video game be if you didn't have to master something? Would you ever know what its like to be victorious in the end?

And if the creator of the game didn't believe the game could be mastered, would they ever even have created it? No. The creator of said game believes in his or her players.

Don't choose to quit. Keep focused on the next level, but remember, a high level means you must work harder.

But it's not impossible.

FOG

In the absence of clarity,

this fog takes over

my sky.

Creating a haze

that blocks out

the distant future,

this fog chokes

the color from the present,

leaving me without hope.

Instead it brings an

endless cloud of tear drops.

The only light I see is

that of the oncoming headlights

from cars on the road.

They too will be tested

by this fog.

HEAR NO EVIL, SEE NO EVIL, SPEAK NO EVIL

I feel your presence

Lurking in the shadows

And in the fog.

Come out from hiding

And reduce the threat

That comes with your

Uncertain dangers.

Is it possible that

The threat will only heighten

Seeing you there?

Maybe knowing what

I'm up against

Will relieve me,

But it won't save me.

THE GIFT

Your presence 

is a gift and a luxury

such a compliment 

to my days

like a cool breeze

during a July noon.

When I'm apart from you

such luxuries are unattainable

and my heart longs

my spirit weeps.

But things are not 

always as they seem.

They aren't always 

what they appear to be.

For though I can't see you,

I feel you.

You are always with me.

I carry with me your love.

AS YOUR OWN

Because of your self hate

You find it impossible

For someone like God

To want to love you

Or even live within your broken heart.

You feel the ice upon your heart

You feel the wounds of life on your skin

And you feel the emptiness inside you

All creating a doubt and disbelief

That God ever existed in the first place.

You feel the dark lonliness

And you feel anger at the lies.

They told you God would never leave you,

But you've felt abandoned

Throughout your entire existence.

You don't see the footsteps next to your own.

Instead you see your own blood spilled

In a trail behind you.

ALL LIES! you scream...
Betrayal is bitter.
But just wait.
He is there,
And His heart breaks because of
Your agony.
You don't feel worth His time or love
You don't see where He has stepped in
On your behalf.
But He is there,
Waiting for you to love Him back.
Deep down that is your desire,
To find Him, and love Him,
As your own, on your own.

ABSENT FLAME

A fire cannot burn

If it was never there to start.

One cannot look at a candle

And simply command it to burn

When it's wick

Experiences not a spark.

How can you know

That the candle even exists

If you never felt it burn

Or saw its light?

Is the candle's existence a lie?

No.

You just have yet to feel its fire

Which is evidence of its powerful existence

Inside YOU.

WHILE YOU WERE SLEEPING

While you were sleeping

I wrote you a sweet lullabye.

Just a little something

To soothe your soul.

While you were sleeping

My heart began to speak

Straight to you

Through the fabric of this sheet.

While you were sleeping

I felt the spark within

That gave life to this song for you.

While you were sleeping

I talked to God a while.

I asked him to hold you

Since I could not.

I asked him to touch you

Because my love alone

Isn't enough.

While you were sleeping

I was here,

Loving you...

CHASING CLOUDS

Chasing clouds

to get to the sun

before they do.

My footsteps hitting the ground

to beat of my heart.

Only time can tell

who will get there first.

Chasing clouds

to get to the moon

before they do.

The owl's eye

is the only evident witness

of my secret pursuit.

MELT IN YOU

I hear your footsteps on the pavement

In my chest my heart quickens

A sound coming towards me

I've so longed to hear.

And as you draw near,

Your face clear in view.

I've almost attained your touch.

Then yet again

I come to realize

That no, you are not a dream.

Your warmth washes over me

Melting away the ice on my heart,

Melting me.

I hear your footsteps on the pavement

And I hear mine with yous,

The rhythm to our melody.

THE TASTE OF FRUITLOOPS ON MY TONGUE

Close my eyes

and I see your face,

your love giving me the push I need

to allow my existence permission

to continue.

Angry am I at the torture I endure

right under everyone's noses,

yet out of their sight.

Then I hear your voice

and even across such distance,

there is none.

Like a sigh of relief,

you pour out love

and I try to fight against it,

against you.

But you put out the flame

and it only smolders there for now.

Then the smoke clears and I see blue

and the sun fights through.

Fields of wildflowers call my name,

in the wind.

I walk away from the ashes

and pick flowers in the sun.

But I don't pick off their petals

because I already know I'm loved.

The wind plays with me

and I laugh at how

dandelion seeds

are blown away

and they take me away

with them.

Peace for now.

Far off in the distance,

there are storm clouds.

But I want to live in Now.

I am loved.

I take that and run with it

through tall grasses

with wildflowers in my hand

and butterflies dancing in the

sunny blue.

Wind, don't push me...

Lift me.

IN YOUR EYES

In your eyes, I am beautiful.

Knowing that makes me feel magical.

But its your magic I'm feeling.

You make me smile and laugh

even when I'm in a quiet room

all by myself

because you're right here in my heart

and I'm never alone.

Just more evidence of your magic.

In my eyes, you're beautiful.

A MOMENT TO REMEMBER

I remember a day,
together on the grass
with the sky above us.
Within that moment
only you next to me mattered.
Being held by you,
with your voice in my ear,
and music in the distance,
the sun overhead,
and not a cloud in the sky.
Short lived, but everlasting in my memory...
Oh, that moment,
with you.

HOLLYWOOD

I don't need Hollywood

To deliver me a dream.

Because right here in this small country town,

Magic took place.

You can't blame me for falling

When actually,

I was swept away...

Among the grasses

with music floating on the wind,

reality confused me into believing

that it was all a fairytale.

But falling, I landed on something soft.

And to my surprise,

the true lover's romance scene

there on the movie screen

was mine to have and hold.

There you are.

Here I am.

Here we go.

I don't need Hollywood,

because I have you.

AFTER THE DAZZLE

My love,

how dare I doubt...?

But sometimes I fear

that loving me will grow

tiresome and burdening

for you.

One day, will you give up on me?

I still feel the magic of our love everyday

and growing still.

But in some moments I start in silent horror

at the chance that the magic fades away

for you,

that I would stand forsaken

in the wake and remnants of us,

smoke signaling the end of the most dazzling firework show

that anyone ever experienced.

Why do I doubt?

I can't help it in the moments

when heartache stands within me

so strong.

When I find that you deserve so much

better than I.

FAR FROM PERFECTION

I wish that I deserved you.

You deserve perfection,

and far from that am I.

I never want to let you down,

but I have fallen short of that hope.

Please forgive me for the mistakes

I have made,

that have caused you care, worry and pain.

If you are the sun

that breaks through the clouds

for me,

why can't I return the gift

you have given?

Instead I deliver rain.

I stand uneasy,

in light of the fact

that all is not well with you

on account of me.

In retrospect of my imperfection,

I realize I will make mistakes.

But when it comes to the most precious

part of my life and heart

mistakes are too costly.

Forgive me my love.

AFTER THE RAIN

After the rain

when the clouds part

and the sun shines upon my face,

I can see your face again

and immediately know

Peace.

After the wind

When i am done being tossed about

I can stand straight again,

walk steadily by your side,

and immediately feel

Complete.

AS TIME PASSES

As time passes

It's not that I'm dreading what's coming

like i used to be.

It's just that I'm aware of the time

I've gone without you.

And I like I used to count down to the day

I never wanted to come,

Now, I'm counting up the days I've gone

and still have yet to go

being unable to be close to you.

The anxiety is still the same

as if I was counting down to D-day.

The pain is still the same

as if in anticipation of knowing D-day was going to hurt.

And all I can do is wish time would rewind

and then stand still forever.

IN LOVE, NEXT TO A PIANO

I fell in love with you
next to a piano.
You sang beautiful melodies to me
with your fingers.
There with you,
my life joined the music.
I left my heart
next to that piano,
for safe keeping with you.

THROUGH EVERYTHING

Through the ups and downs

I will love you.

For all the highs and lows

I'll stand beside you.

When the wind blows hard

Threatening to sweep you away

I'll hold you...

Oh so close to me.

EDEN

Not even the winds of a great storm

move me the way you do,

yet nothing altogether

steadies me in such a way

as you.

Beautiful harmonies and melodies

put a smile upon my face

and lift my spirit,

but you bring to my eyes

joyous tears despite all woe.

Many men live in search

of a fountain of youth,

but I've been blessed with

a fountain of love.

It washes upon my heart

and quenches all thirsts

of a barren and once broken heart

enthroning what was once

a forlorn land,

with that of Eden.

HEART SHAPED PEARL

Oh heart of pearls,

elegant and pure,

find in me worth enough

to share thine rich wonders.

Oh heart of pearls

from whence a thousand

brilliant colors are reflected,

dare I compel you bid me

blessing to be so graced by the

many pleasures your presence bestows?

Ah, yes.

I dare to dare thee.

For I am not the swine

that doth not embrace and uphold

the majesty of a being

so virtuous and true.

Trample thee not,

I shall gaze upon

your honors and

experience thine own

light.

MISSING YOU

I just wanna hold you

draw you near

and never let go.

I just wanna kiss you

yet another way

to let my love show.

I just wanna see you

and feel that spark

right when our eyes connect.

I just wanna look into your eyes

and see in them

the sun reflect.

Oh my baby...

I miss you.

EXPLOSION IN A STATE OF SPEECHLESSNESS

Thoughts of you

take hold of my mind.

But words for them,

I can't seem to find.

Because

when I think of you

I'm speechless,

sometimes breathless.

I can only close my eyes

and see your face,

and feel myself explode inside.

THE STRING THAT I HELD ON TO

I was on an edge of sorts

and smothering beneath hidden pain.

Inside me there were thunderstorms

and from my eyes fell the rain.

There you found me in pieces

broken and scattered about.

From far across the distance

you felt me crying out.

Through the madness

and the craze

You held my hand so tight.

And in that desperate moment

you gave me hope

that it would be alright.

Piece by little piece

you put me back together.

And like the perfect glue,

you held me through that weather.

Thank you for being there.

Thank you for loving me so much...that much.

SHALL THEE RISE?

Sun, shall thee rise?

Beautiful pastels left in your wake.

Bring with you the blue.

Unattainable heavens now before us

as you brighten our days

and warm our hearts.

And as you bring Earth back to life again,

please come to me

and wake me from the dead.

Your light of life will renew me

and fill my day with promise

here in the dawn.

And my eyes will behold the glorious beauty,

and the birds will sing in celebration

for the new found hope

fresh like the morning dew.

Sun, shall thee rise?

MY PRAYER

I pray that peace flows upon you,

and that your mind be at ease.

I pray that the night is gentle,

and that your morning be full of hope.

I hope your life is full of light and laughter,

and that you don't lose sight,

of the beauty in the mountains.

I hope your heart is full of dreams

and I pray you know that

the stars in your eyes are attainable.

RACHEL'S LULLABYE

Scattered smiles
Thriving heart
Her arms spread out
To catch the sun
Lovely dreams,
Cast upon the stars
She dances
And she bathes
In the moonlight
As she lives this moment
She sings
"Love to live,
and live so free,
love to live to love like me."
Now so sweetly
Off the dream,
She drifts to sleep
On a moonbeam.

NOT JUST A CRUSH

My love for you

is unconditional.

Steady and strong,

it reaches across

even the greatest of distances

to fill your heart

and light up your life.

My love for you

is real and true.

Like a lock

with my heart as the key.

It stands and connects me to you

even through storms.

My love for you

is deep.

Brilliant like a star

and forever

like the beautiful and infinite heavens,

from which this gift of love was given.

LISTEN TO YOUR HEART

Our love

there dangling

on a string

left hanging

by your words.

Will you let it fall?

Don't let it collide with the ground now, please.

I don't have it

in me

to keep the light on

in the darkness

if  you fade

from my life

from my future.

You are in my hopes and dreams.

Don't let your mind

decide all for you.

Use your heart babe,

don't bid me farewell

when I still love you

I long for you.

You're here in my heart.

You've turned me into something new.

I thought I knew myself so well,

thought I was doing swell.

Now I'm great, so complete.

Just because we're miles apart

doesn't mean I'm letting you go.

Don't you let go now

You're everything to me.

When it's hard,

it's still worth it.

You are worth it.

Am I worth it?

Don't walk away.

If you walk,

I walk right by your side.

Can you feel me?

Holding your hand,

even though you can't see me?

It's my love for you so strong,

in the song you heart in your heart,

where I am,

where I'll always be.

Don't let go.

Close your mouth,

open your heart.

Don't be scared now,

Our love won't fall away.

HERE AGAIN

(an implosion)

Here I am again

trying to find the right words

to express how much I love you.

Here I go again

trying to fit you into words

that aren't quite good enough.

Here they are again

thoughts of you that take hold of my mind

without a way to explain them.

When I think of you

I feel you.

I'm speechless.

I can only close my eyes

and see your face

and feel myself explode inside!

IT'S JUST THE WAY THE HEART CRUMBLES

If i just stay busy

I won't lose my mind.

If I only watch comedies

I won't just keep crying.

If I stay asleep

I don't h ave to be aware of this feeling.

It's just the way things are.

If I keep up pictures of us together

I won't have to remember that we're not.

And if I never look at my phone

I won't have to see

that your name isn't there.

If I remember when you said you loved me

I can convince myself you still do.

It's just the way things are.

If I don't look in the mirror
I won't have to remember
that the girl I see
Isn't who you want.
If I go to church
I can remind myself
that someone's still there.

But no matter what I do
or what I say or avoid
there is no escape for a
broken heart.

THE BREAKDOWN

I break down in the kitchen.

I fall to pieces on the bathroom floor.

I retreat into my bedsheets.

I can't take this anymore.

My forlorn words

on this page

get me nowhere

but to a hell I can read.

Oh the cries of the forsaken.

FAR AWAY

You get so lonely

when everything and everyone

that ever really mattered

is so far away.

You get so scared

when you're convinced

the only person who ever really loved you

is angry at you.

You feel so disconnected

when it seems like

your whole world

just stopped turning.

You feel so lost

when you don't recognize

the person you are anymore

and all you see is a mess.

DIVE

Launch,

Lift,

Fall,

Submerge,

Weightless...

NEW LIFE

Pink skin, 20 nails, first cry.

Two noses, one heart, new future.

Long days, no nights, undiscovered chaos.

More fights, more fun, such a journey.

THE DAY

Pink skies

Blue birds

and dew.

Yawn

stretch

and go!

Butterflies

honeysuckle

and sun.

Pause,

smell

and listen.

Purple skies

lightning bugs

and porch lights.

Slow

steady

and recollection.

Vast skies

Bright stars

New dew.

Yawn

stretch

and dream.

CHILD'S PLAY

Lapping up water out of a bowl like a dog,

swimming in the bath tub like a mermaid.

Hanging from a closet hanger bar like a gymnast,

Jumping up and down on the mattress like a superhero.

Dress up in Grandma's closet...

INNOCENCE.

THE OVERFLOW

The sun goes down

the lights go out

and the lonliness

settles in.

The sadness in my heart

begins to overwhelm me,

though I've held it off

all day.

But now the day is gone

and in the quiet of the night

the disquiet in my mind

is revealed.

Everything that has gone

unseen and unsaid

flows forth.

Bottled up and shaken

I am about to explode.

WEARY HEARTED

Please don't leave
Don't let me be
all alone
in this mess that I'm stuck in,
as this mess that I am.
I need to breathe
but its all laying on my chest.
I want to run,
but I've been running all along,
now I'm tired
and I just want to rest in you...

LOVE

Ten fingers,

entertwined.

Two lifelines,

intersected.

Two mouths,

one word.

Two beats in sync

One moment, one connection,

a spark.

Like two live wire,

one spark, a flame.

THE STRONGEST FORCE

Completely caught off gaurd

by a fresh and unique attraction

that completely took hold of me,

because I could feel your gravity.

Despite all resistance, I fell.

No time to look where I was falling,

love is the strongest force.

I surrendered to your gravity.

Intensely drawn to you,

and so deeply connected,

even through the distance,

I can feel your gravity.

The sensation of your touch,

the passion in your embrace,

their memory will linger,

because I can feel your gravity.

Nights of lonely sorrow and fear

days of anger and pain...

even through that rain

I can feel your gravity

and in great moments of bliss,

when I feel you in the beat of my heart

so in love and complete...

I can feel your gravity.

BREEZE

You whisper 

sweet words to me

and your voice 

is like a fresh breeze

sweeping through 

the heat of the pain

within me.

UNVEILED

I draw back the curtains

of my heart

and stand unveiled

as you behold 

the deepest part of me.

There you are revealed

as the beat and the melody

to the rhythm

of the core of my being.

FOUND

I've been looking

but I don't know

what I've been looking for.

I've been searching

but with no direction.

Where am I going?

I'm going nowhere fast.

But then the day I saw your face,

full of beauty and grace,

I found the reason why I'm here.

I was made to love you.

I was born to live for you.

I was meant to hold you in my heart.

I didn't know that

this was possible,

this Love.

THIS LOVE

I was told its not okay for me to love you

I was told this kind of love's not true.

I was told this kind of love is unnatural

Oh but I do, I do love you.

It's been proven this kind of love

is looked down upon...

frowned upon....

But this love's unmistakable!

This love is impenetrable!

This love is impossible

to ignore...

This love is undeniable!

This love's unbelievable!

Oh but I do, I do love you!!
And after all this sadness
we've been through.
And after this horrible war,
one thing remains,
one thing stays the same,
Oh I do, I do love you.

IMPOSSIBLE

That "classic fairy tale"

is impossible.

White dress black tux

quite improbably.

A blessed union

may not be possible.

Society's acceptance

is highly volatile.

To have life naturally bloom from within

isn't possible.

To love you out loud

may not be possible.

To keep you forever

might also be impossible.

But to deny this piece of me

is NOT POSSIBLE.

To quit loving you
I can't help nor stop it
It's impossible.
My own unique fairytale
IS what's POSSIBLE.

I NEED YOU

I need you to need me

I need you to see me

I nee you to know that 

I'm always here.

I need you to understand

I need you to give me your hand

I need you to know that

I always care.

I need you to come

I need you to not run

I need you to bring me

the things you bear.

I need you to know

That I'll always show

That I love you

and that will only grow.

YOURS TRULY

In the shadows I wait

to appear to thee

and reveal to you

what your naked eye can't see.

A part of me

you do not know

an identity that

does not show.

But until then

you don't know me

for now I'm just

Yours Truly....

WITHOUT YOU

Without you,

Life goes on.

But mine is stuck here

In the very moment

In which I lost you.

Without you,

Rivers continue flowing,

But my boat is steadily sinking

Because of the hole

your absence has created.

Without you,

The world keeps turning

At its steady rhythmic pace,

But my world spirals

Completely out of control.

Without you

Simply nothing

Is the same.