LOVE IS EVERYWHERE

Love is everywhere
in the faces
And embraces
Of people all around
Poking fun at me
In my  loneliness.
Makes it hard 

to think straight 

and concentrate
On not complicating 

my own life
With discontentment
And desire for more.

I WANT MORE

I want more than just a passing touch.
I want more than just a fleeting word.
I want to be embraced.
I want more than a meaningless smile.
I want beyond whats for a little while.
I want to be chased.

SHOPPING FOR CLEANING SUPPLIES

the more mess i make
the more i hide my face
from the love of God.
i begin to doubt
when i look around and see
the reasons
he shouldn't love me.

i feel the shame
im bathed in
bite me
and cut deep into my heart.

God are you angry?
i fear your disappointment.
God are you tired?
of me of making the same old mistakes.

i'm sorry i'm sorry
help me please
is all i can say.

i can just imagine
the way the world around me
drops its head in resignation
as i fall deeper into
the mess i've made of myself.

LET GO.

I find myself wandering 

through the streets of sorrow 

searching for a piece of hope. 

My face burning 

from the cold winds of 

reality, circumstance, and consequence.

REFLECTION

Who are you there

staring back at me

from the mirror?

Who are you?

I don't recognize you,

I don't recognize you at all.

I thought you were much more small,

your hair was much more tame,

and you had a graceful frame.

Who are you there staring back at me?

Who are you there

staring back at me

from the mirror?

Who are you?

I don't recognize

your disguise,

wasn't there light in your eyes?

Who are you there staring back at me?

IT JUST IS

At first you feel like you've lost your spark. 

And thats okay for a while,

  I guess.

until you lose your drive too...

And then your will to live follows,

And you feel like you can't even help yourself. 

You can only float suspended in this murk. 

You're already tired and you feel done, 

so trying to swim through the murk just exhausts you. 

The hole that you have fallen into 

is so deep that you feel like there's no point 

in trying to get out. 

So then you lose your fight...

Then the light within you dies. 

You feel dead and you wonder 

if you'd be better off that way. 

Everyone wants you to do something about this. 

But you don't feel like you have any say in this. 

You have no control over any of it. 

It just is.

MIRAGE

Do you know how to listen to music?
Do you know how to really hear it?
From the heart it flows,
with the heart one knows 
its song.
Sink into the voices,
hang on to every note.
Let it echo within you
resonating within your soul.
Feel the stories
of the melodies
and the pain of the dissonance.
Let it transcend over you
lifting you to a new awareness
where you can see its color.
You can feel it, almost
watch it dance.
Close your eyes.
Can you see it?

NEW START

 

Today is a new day,

it's gonna be okay.

Everything will go the way

God wants it to.

I'll ask God to help me be

full of productivity.

There's no point I see

in beating up me

for being imperfect.

For that's the beauty

of me,

the reality

of why I need God.

 

DREAM WARRIOR

He walked into the room on a war path to fulfill a death wish. Without hesitation he punched her assailant in one swift blow. He had to contain himself so that he would not continue to attack the man until he was dead. He had more important things to do. He turned quickly to her, the agony he felt reflecting her agony within, blatant in his eyes, as well as his passion. His face crumpled in pain and anger for her. As he took her face in his hands, he looked her over making sure not a scratch was on her. But he was now so hyperaware of every invisible wound she carried with her. Their eyes locked on one another, he tried so hard to send his message of love, protection and desperate passion for her, to her. He was desperate to protect her at all costs. He was desperate to defend her and her honor at all times. He took her into his arms and wrapped her in the biggest and most secure embrace as if to block out the world. He whispered into her ear “I am so sorry this has happened to you. As long as I live no one will ever do that to you again.” There he just held her. She melted into his embrace exhaling her relief, pain and love into him. He took upon himself the entirety of her weight as her sobbing overwhelmed her and she let it all go. She felt completely safe for the first time in her life. Beautiful they were as they stood there, passion in her voice and a fire so passionate in his eyes.

DIAR-ETIC

Frustrated to the point of no return.

I want to purge myself of these feelings

Of the helplessness within me.

I have no voice

For my throat is clogged

With the bile of my torment.

How often do I return to this

State of existence where I can’t

Feel, think, see, breathe

Only sit within this murk.

I am so limited

By my own faults.

My own mind

Is my demise.

Who can save me from myself

This hell that I create.

I am stuck

I am enchained

I am bound and

Imprisoned.

SCARS

So I'll unveil my scars for you

to see. To see

The way that God has worked in me.

I’ll unlock my heart for you

To know. To know

That God has never let me go.

So it is with me, it is with you.

UNLEASH THE UNSPEAKABLE

happiness is a loaded gun

because one day

a shot will be fired

and it will all come crashing down.

happiness is a loaded gun

because I am cocked and ready

to release this rage within

upon all of you.

happiness is a smoking gun

because I look up

from my cross hairs

and see before me

the madness I warned you

would come,

the madness that was already there.

BARREN

I have nothing to say
and nothing to give,
yet people continue to take.
piece by piece,
I have been stripped
of my clothing
and now I lay
bare and broken
before you all.
All that i have
once had, is lost
to me...
my sanity.
I am not myself.
I know this to be true.
Where have I gone?

IN THE DEEP

Deep in this cave,

I am stuck.

Nothing to do,

but hope and wait

for the sun's rays

to creep farther in.

Maybe I'll get a touch...

just a touch of wawrmth

so it will be

more

than just an idea.

Deep in these waters,

dark with rage,

and cold with loniness,

there is a multitude

of horrors that lie beneath

the surface.

Thrashing and flailing about,

I am struggling...desperate

to get to the surface

and stay afloat.

But the waves,

one after another

wipe me out.

I am overcome.

Deep in the crevices

of my mind,

so expansive,

I'm unaware of all 

its twists and turns.

It suffocates me.

It steals my breath

and steels my heart.

Everything continuously shifting

only to further confuse

the maze

of my thoughts.

I can't grab onto anything,

I evade even myself.

I can't touch anything,

the darkness is empty.

Choking,

Hiding,

Drowning,

Lost...

in the Deep.

HOLES

She's falling down

the rabbit hole

at a chaotic speed.

The pandemonium

of her world

also falls around her.

WHITE WALLS, RED.

Give me a white wall

and let me paint it red.

Don't try to stop me,

not even for bed.

For if you don't allow

this catharsis, I dread

that I might break

for leaving everything unsaid.

I need to speak, I need to break

this silence so loud,

I need to speak upon these walls

of emptiness, void of sound.

I need to place upon them

my art of morbidity or light.

I need to place that which

has been hidden in sight.

So give me this,

please, this night.

Allow me to shed this reflection

and create

from all my introspection.

Don't make me let go

of this last thread.

Give me a white wall

and let me paint it red.

UNDEAD

The fog fills my mind

and clouds every thought

of happiness.

The darkness silences

even the echoes of melodies

once sung,

and illuminates the graves

full of the undead

secrets...

Foggy foggy night,

you fill me with fear

of all the whispering voices

coming so near.

They tell I'm theirs

to have and to hold

to lurk and to haunt

till death do me part.

WHAT'S THIS?

Whats this?
There's roaches in my head.
What's this?
There's spiders in my bed.
Whats this?
Their eggs are hatching all around,
what is that sound
of devastation!
What's this...?

THIS NIGHT

Lord I thankyou for this day

I thankyou for this night

I thankyou for your sweet sweet light

that shines down on me.

Thankyou for your grace

Your glory reigns all over the place

Sweeter than a lover's kiss,

There's nothing greater than this.

So dance with me beneath the moon

that reflects the light of your son.

I dance for you in victory

for every battle has been wo.

PONDERING

When forced to face something

one has an instinctual aversion to,

it's difficult to overcome the effects of the pressure of this poison

being served on a platter

to which one i expected to respone to gracefully.

I attempting to

climb the maintain of maturity

and reason against my own behavior.

But to fight against something

so basic as instinct

overwhelms me to the point

of emotional breakdown.

I am like a customer at a restaurant

who eats something I know

I don't like.

I can't force myself to 

like this food.

I can't stop myself from

physically ridding myself

of that which i have an instinctual aversion to.

is my demise my fault.

PANIC ROOM

I stand in the panic room.

A small dark place in my mind

I am thrown into,

taken as a prisoner of war

with myself and the forces too complex

to describe.

I scream into the darkness

of this room

and it only swallows my cries

FORSAKEN SUN

The sun is shining,

but behind the shades. 

You can’t feel its warmth at all 

for the plastic strips held together by string-

the only thing, 

standing between you…and living. 

The day is raging on, 

a sweet melody of opportunity and experience 

just awaits. 

Why are you so deaf

to its beckoning call?

A simple dead bolt and flick of the wrist 

stand between you 

and the laughter in the day. 

The birds sing, 

a song that’s a distant echo 

of the silenced song within your heart. 

Awaken oh sleeper. 

Allow the song to fill your heart 

and refresh your soul. 

For now you’re but a shadow 

of the glorious being God created.

DON'T GIVE UP

Young girl don't hide. 

Its not the time to sit within yourself 

and let the whole world fly by. 

Young girl get up. 

Its not the time to let opportunity revolve around you 

coming to offer you your dreams 

as you turn them down? 

Its only you who has the power 

to reach for your hearts desire;

Life's a two way street. 

Young girl you feel empty. 

Well you cant wait around to be filled, 

you have to drink for yourself. 

Now go.